Feeling ok - random thoughts

Feeling ok today.
Head hurts. Thoraic spine is all fucked up again.
But for the rest.
No inflamed ligaments, no random joint pain.
Even managed to convince myself that my new skin care regimen helps with the micro inflammations on my facial skin.
Yeah.

Got some time for random thoughts. At work of all places... I mean, were else would I start thinking about special needs?
http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/ got me thinking.

I´m a very faithful reader of this blog. One of many I´m sure.
ANd today it got me thinking about special needs adults.
I mean... everybody is talking about special needs kids.
Are there special needs adults?
What actually are we?
Do I have special needs?
I don´t usually think of myself as disabled.
Broken, yes.
Often less than full funtioning, absolutely.
But special needs?
Dunno.
I don´t even have a disabled person´s paper. (You get those in Germany to proof that you really apply for disabled benefits like reduced prices and such)
I can´t truly wrap my head around this idea.
But then... I function. Most of the time nobody notices that something is wrong, or just how much is wrong.
Not even my man.
And he is the one who lately lamented, that he couldn´t stand the pain I was in anymore and there had to be something to help me. (isn´t that sweet?)

So, do I have special needs?
I don´t need a wheelchair (yet and wont hopefully ever), I sometimes need some of those fancy joint support things (mostly wrists, since I haven´t yet found one that really helps in keeping my shoulders settled and I am just too freaking stubborn to wrap my feet, ankles and knees and there just isn´t anything to keep my pelvis/spine joint in line), I need alot of walking time at work, because sitting for prolonged periods is hell for me and what I truly, desperately and totally need is a little downtime now and then... and just a bit of understanding.

Is that special needs?
I might have gotten through my childhood with those just fine, since I didn´t have any of it and through just as well.
Seems, like I´m not special needs at all.
Just a little more broken than others.
But then, why I do feel so much at home, when I read about all those kids who need a little more, a little something else, than the rest.
Would I be as broken, as I am now, if anybody had notice, what was going on inside my crazy body?

Who knows?

Now, I´m just walking on, no matter if the nerves in my hand are acting up, as they´re doing right now (and there goes the feeling good. Bleh), no matter if my joints are killing me, my muscles are spasming like there was no tomorrow.
I just go on. Just like everybody else.

Question still not answered. Perhaps I need a little more. But I can get by, just like the rest.
It´s December already, btw. January is Lothaire time.

Yay, Kresley Cole!

*whispers* and soon it´s Christmas!

Because I can

"You´re beautiful"
Her eyes narrowed in annoyance.
Everybody seemed to just expect women to fawn, whenever a manly piece of well built flesh told them, they were pretty. To her? It never had mattered.
She had never cared for being pretty, had never been the princess, always only the heroine who fought, saved people and, most importantly, won.
And no matter how good looking, ruggedly, sun tanned, ruffled good looking, the guy reducing you to your looks was, she still didn´t care for it.
Grabbing the handles of the wheelbarrow, she cast a quick glance over her shoulder.
"Thanks, so are you"

I hate stupid people

Really.

I do.

When you buy a set of keyboard and mouse, in one package, how can you complain, that you didn´t receive your mouse yet, just a keyboard, and demand proof of delivery for the mouse, when you haven´t opened the package yet and checked, if there is a mouse inside, because after all IT´S a FUCKING BUNDLE PRODUCT!

Argh!

Sorry, had to get it out of my system.

Still looking...

..for the rights words to express, what I want to say.

Last night was one of those semi long nights.
You go to bed, you try to sleep and suddenly are wide awake, heart racing, muscles spasming... and you have no idea why, only that you can´t go back to sleep again.

Again.
You hear me sigh.

And still no idea why.
People (read: the doctors) think, it´s anxiety.
I think, it´s something in my spine, that is very very weird.

Again.


Now you need to understand, my spine itself isn´t weird at all. It´s a spine. It looks like a spine and acts like one.

Only it has alot of joints. And that is where things can go terribly wrong, when you have Ehlers-Danlos-syndrom.
My ligaments are too soft. My joints are unstable.
My spine is, my rib joints are unstable.
And they move around like a bunch of four year old on caffeine.

And then they get stuck. And my muscles are pulled in alot of way, they were never ment to be pulled.
And they cramp.
And it´s godaweful and it hurts.
Ever tried to breath, when your upper torso muscles were stiff as wood?
Yeah...

that´s what I think is happening.
Und we´re kind of unable to put the joints back were they belong, because of the cramped muscles.
Actually we´re not even sure which joint is at fault.
How much does that suck?

Let me tell you.
Lots.

Thank god for the internet. Thank god for knowing, there are always people worse of.
Thank god for knowing that in my little corner of the world of faulty genetics, there are neighbours like EB or Marfan Syndrom.
Thank god for understanding, it could be so much worse.
But still it sucks.

Yesterday was bad. The whole day. My neck cramped up so much, I had some kind of constant micro migraine going on, combined with the lack of sleep that amounted to some major depressive episode.
But sitting on my living room sofa at 2 am, hoping my man had at least a little chance of finding some sleep, without me kicking him awake all the time...

I decided that wasn´t worth it.
The anxiety that comes with being in pain all the time, the feeling that my body is totally failing me, the uncertainty of not knowing what the fuck is going on...
It was time to get back some resemblance of life. Bit by bit.
It´s not worth to hand your whole being, your whole sense of being over to an illness, to your broken, malfunctioning body.
Be ill if you are.
Be broken, if you are.
But don´t be your illness.

Wow, the scraps of wisdom, you find at 2am in the night.
If only they survived in daylight.
I will see.

For the record: I´m tired. I need sleep!

Pictures

Did some, it´s going slow as hell and most of the time I just trash them, as soon, as I have a first draft, but what the hell... it helps.

Not today though.
Today was an extremely shitty day.
Crazy customers, crazy boss, crazy colleagues and stupid friends who just keep complaining how taxing their school is and that they want hollidays, while I don´t even know how to START reducing the pile of work that has been dropped on my head.
Thanks, guys, but I´m not the world´s dumpster.
It´s not my job, to make you feel better, no matter how bad I´m feeling and it´s NOT my job to be nice about it.

I want to be a bitch today.

What got me through this week was Nalini Singh. Thanks for that.
And for a bit of inspiration.
But Characters are from her Psy/Changeling series. If you haven´t read it yet, start now.

Still alive

November..
Wow. It´s been that long again.

Had some major health troubles. Lots and lots of work.

Didn´t write. Going through one of those "I´m not good enough at writing anyways" phases.

Bleh.

But I´m still around ;)

Just need to make the time, to write.
Since I spend every spare minute reading right know, that´s difficult.

Right now It´s Nalini Singh.
But from January to May, it will be Kresley Cole.
LOTHAIRE IS COMING!

And good god, I read the excerpt. That is one batshit crazy hero.
:D

I´m in love.

The gods of soccer

I'm a huge soccer fan. No secret there. And as 90% of soccer fans i'm supersticious. We all believ e, that somewhere out there is a deity, handing out impossible wins to those who deserve it.

Now and then much needed miracles happen, when we all wipe our eyes and suddenly believe in something bigger.

Congratulations, Nadeshiko.
Congratulations, Japan.

life is an earthquake

Check todays date, check date of last blog post, see difference.

It all started with a new job...
Sounded easy until the first day... corporate account procurement admin. Training time: one week.

My boss might have want to have told me that beforehand...

And there went my social life ^^

And right when I thought things would slowly get back to normal, along came an earthquake.
See, when your customers main supplier is a japanese company, disrupted supply chains in Japan give you 12 hour work days.
Have been doing this for 4 weeks now, and reached a point, where I need a break.

Got myself a smartphone and rediscovered the world.
Happy NerdGurrl is happy!

On the other hand, who am I to complain, I still have a hometown, a computer, a bed and a life.



Barring another major catastrophe I might be back. Now and then. A little.

The happy nerd!

It´s official!
There are normal people and there is me.


When I started this apprenticeship, my boss told me, I in no way had a chance to get an A.
After all, I had to cut the first of three years.

See this boss? Straight A! All around!

Best of class and best of departement.

Suck it up! I did it!

Hehe.


Now I need a good job and then I´m an overall happy content little Fluff.

The Guardian

Did a new pic... Had the idea I could post it here as well. Ain´t I just so clever!

The difference between fiction and reality - truth and the press

The difference between fiction and reality is: fiction has to make sense.

On the 12th of September 2009 Dominik Brunner died after being beaten for about one minute by two 17 and 18 year old youths on a city rail platform near Munich.


That´s a fact.

Beforehand, in the train, he had stopped the youth´s in their attempt to extort 15 € from a group of four other youths ages 15-16.

That´s a fact as well.

After his death, Dominik Brunner has been hailed as a hero for his moral courage and yes, for his death while defending four children, by the German press.

That is a fact also. He got the Bundesverdienstkreuz posthumus. There is a foundation in his name.
In the two boys, who killed him, where without any doubt, murderers.

On July 14th the court hearing started.  Accusation: Murder with base motives. They´re said to have killed the victim as revenge for his earlier defence of the group of youths.

Both boys, the elder of whom is officially not able to testify because of physical reasons and psychological trauma, admitted to beating Dominic Brunner, but denied emphatically to have wished for his death.

The younger of the two, who is not even 5'7 and weights around 100 pounds, testified that Brunner got out of the city rail car two doors down. Dropped his bag and jacket and then rushed towards them and hit his friend square in the face. They defended and his friend went into a blind rage.

Headlines in German Newspapers: Killers blame victim.

Two days later, the authopsie paper cleared up the cause of death: Dominik Brunner had a heart condition and due to his agitated state of mind, had a heart attack. He didn´t have any broken bones, or a broken skull, as it was originally stated by police.

Which goes conform with several witness accounts, that state, the victim stood after the attack and then fell again.

The prosecuter´s office keeps up the murder charges.

Headlines in German Newspapers: That changes nothing!


Somewhere in between a young French native witness (16), and her 13 year old brother, detail how she heard "I will kill you" from one of the defendants, but then is not even able to tell, what the word "blindlings" meant (in blind Rage), that appears in her police statement. The questioning was conducted without a translater. A police officer, who had French in school assisted. His French is said to be not very good.

Another witness, a minor as well and his friend, who had claimed to have seen it all and then performed CPR, were shown to have lied. Nobody performed CPR until the EMTs arrived.
Another Witness was discredited by his OWN MOTHER after he gave his statement to police as a pathological liar.

On July 20th, the driver of the city rail  train states, he clearly saw, while checking before starting the train again, how the group of four youths and Dominic Brunner left the train, and two doors farther back, the defendants left the train. The defendants headed for the exit. He didn´t see any sign of trouble, until Dominic Brunner dropped his bag, his jacket, walked up to the two youths, dancing in front of them with boxing moves, taunting them and then hit one of them square in the face. Blood flowed.
Then he yelled "And now we will get the police" which the driver took for a sign, the situation was cleared, since the attacker himself had stated to want to get the police.

He started the train, but notified the station master, to call the police.
A testimony, that is backed by one of the  originally threatened youths, two further witnesses and corresponds with the defendant´s statements.
(to those, not from Germany - German Railway and City Rail Routes are really as good as their reputation and run on a very tight schedule)

Except one German news magazine, that brought a rather interesting article about witnesses, and their unreliability, German Newspapers stayed silent.

The defendants are still murderers to the news magazines and the general public and Dominic Brunner still is a morally couragous hero.

What strikes me now as so wondrous, is the simple fact, what if Dominik Brunner had been a 17year old with a totally broken family, a drug problem, living in a city run youth home, and the two boys had been managers from a wealthy family?

Who is the attacker then?

Is Dominic Brunner still couragous? Yes.
But he also might still have attacked two boys, one of whom is a head smaller than him, without them threatening him in that situation.

Did the boys still kill him? Yes, most likely their actions killed him.
Though... if they didn´t start the fight, and Dominic Brunner did not die of those injuries he sustained, but of a heart condition he had.....
Who is responsible for the heart attack?

And why - and THAT is the question, the German press should be asking - where none of those facts given,  right after the attack, although the prosecuter´s office clearly knew about them two days after?
Why did the prosecuter´s office hand out a version to the public, where Dominic Brunner is a shining hero without any flaw, that was attacked from behing and two sides by blood thirsty monsters, both taller and stronger than him, who murdered him in cold blood.

One of the defendants, who confirmed to be a habitual drinker, said he had two beers and a few glasses of vodka before the attack. But all police say, is, he didn´t appear to be drunk.
Habitual drinker, guys.  Why hasn´t there been a blood test?


During the trial, one of the Police officers was asked, if he saw any injuries on the face of the defendant who was alledgedly beaten by Brunner. His answer? I don´t know, he looked down all the time.
Both young men have very short hair.

There are some serious questions, the German press should be asking right now. About premediated convictions made by the public, clearly spurned on by the prosecuters.
About their own role. Their missing critizism.
About justice.
About flawed heros.
About prejudices and truth.

Yes, Dominik Brunner still died on that platform, after aiding a group of four teenagers. And those two youths still beat him.

Yes, Dominik Brunner was a succesful manager and lawyer from a very wealthy family.
And those youths are still flawed failures of society.

But other than that?
Reality doesn´t have to make sense.

Truth is a very fascinating  construction.

Happy Birthday

Woke up this morning to coffee and cake.

Love my man!

Daily author depression

When you write a book, as with all things, you create, you want people to like it.

Authors, due to some evil little thing called reviews, seem to be especially prone to something, I call spontaneous authors depression.

It just happened to me.

I know, Diamond Wolf is an either love it or hate it book.

I know that. I wrote it.

The way I see it, it´s pretty lyrical. A poem drawn out over 20+ pages.

A walk through a werewolfs inner nightmare. A little Goethe like... I Hate Goethe!!

Thank god, that thought came to me only after it was published.


But I still think, it´s a good book. It has it´s weaknesses. Being too short one of them. Contests with a 12k word count barrier suck.

I haven´t even had that OMG what was I thinking moment yet.

And then there are people who just write: couldn´t finish the book.

It´s only 20 pages.

How... HOW can it be so terrible, people can´t finish it?
What the heck did I do wrong, that people will do that?

Ugh! That hurt. That really hurt.

I´m going to curl up with a good cup of Latte Macchiato with caramel flavor now and cry over the injustice of the world. No in fact I´m going to do the laundry.


Console my shredded little heart with the mutilation of helpless socks.

Hilarious!

I couldn´t stop laughing...

Random Thoughts from Anonymous Reader on Men of Danger

HALLELUJAH! I´m going to get cut open!

Praise the lord, I finally blackmailed, cried, begged and whimpered a surgeon into the ardeous, his skill absolutely unworthy task of cutting open the base joint of my right big toe and to remove the bursitis.

Only took 7 years. ("It´s not that big, it´s only the position that hurts so much" Thanks alot, idiots)


So, on Wednesday morning, I´ll get up, be a happy, giddy girl and hope uh... I´ll sleep through surgery.
Not like last time in January.


Did I mention? When they removed the nails and wires from my previously broken ellbow (double olecranon fracture July 17th last year)... I woke up. In the middle of surgery....


In hind sight funny as hell. I scared some surgeons to death. Hehe

Wasn´t that funny, when it happened.
Tthough, thanks to my really fucked up relation to pain, I just did, what there is to do, when you have a big cut and hole in your arm. Screamed.

Let it come. Open your arms. Say hello and scream.
Nothing like it.

Oh yeah, it hurt like hell, but there is nothing as powerful as true pain. At least, when you know, it´s going to end at some point.

When you don´t, it´s just grating on your nerves and you´re willing to do everything to stop it. Everything

At some point, death will always become and option.

Anyways. This pain will end on Wednesday.
The anesthesiologist, had this twitch of panic in his eyes, when he checked my file. Same hospital as in January.
 He paled. Then he had this very careful smile. Which turned even more careful, when I smiled back.

This kind of smile, you use with dangerous animals, kids and madmen.

I think I will sleep through this time. You´ll be the first to know on the net ;)


PS: Am I the only one who thinks, my keyboard battery is about to die. Somehow I´m missing one third of letters ^^

The Good, the bad and the nerves

Oh yes, nerves...

I haz them!

Tomorrow morning at 8:45 I´ll be starting the last 45 minutes of my apprenticeship.

Oral exam.

DO you know this mix of jitterish, but it still doesn´t feel real?
Yeah? I hate it!

Tried to distract myself, by checking through some old writings.
I have a full book sitting on my external and two 30k pieces.
Chose the sequel to Diamond Wolf. OMG!
How can possibly be that bad a writer?

I mean c´mon... ugh. Complete rework please, and fast.
How the heck did I manage to write two pansy, fancy girlies?
*sigh*

So much for that.

On a good note, my lawyer just wrote an email to tell me, I´ll be getting some more money from the insurance of that poor driver who´s car door plucked me of my bike last year. HEHE.

Since it´s BMW company car insurance, no pity.

I had no idea, how much money a multiple fractured olecranon can bring.
But it´s highly welcome.
Had to go to the hair dresser on Saturday to look all pretty and shiny for the exam.
100 €!

Holy COW!
OK, I look totally great. They even managed to correct some bad errors the last hair dresser did, but... meep?

Thought about manicure... let it drop. Another 40 € just aren´t in the budget.

I should go on, learning my presentation by heart.
But I want to write. Can someone please clone me?

Tumblr

Have a tumblr place now.

http://kathaeske.tumblr.com/

Careful, not really worksafe.

Good morning - The poem

 My alarm clock is laughing at me

"Congratulations!

It´s 7:30 am.

You just missed the start 

of your classes."

"Don´t matter", I say,

"Isn´t the first time",

turn around

and go on sleeping.

Back in school, I had a huge problem to be punctual.
So huge, in fact, that my math teacher once asked me, what the heck I´m was in class already, when the alarm hadn´t sounded yet.

Everybody knew it and at some point, nobody cared anymore. They just sighed and ignored me, as I crept in one or two minutes late.

In 11th grade, we had a project week and I was part of the poetry project.
Which included the composition of a poem and a reading in front of the whole school. (oh, and a little book of our collected works. My first time being published ;))
I´ve never seen my teachers laugh louder or longer, than that day, when I recited this poem to them.

Bored and hyped up

Yeah.. does that work together?

Obviously it does.

I have my final exam next Wednesday and my brain just wont shut off.

Especially, since 3 different stories are taking up room in my mind.

Life sucks.

I can´t relax and can´t get myself to write either.

Bleh.

Still not having a job.

I want to run around screaming (hellooooooooooooo Amora... you´re contagious!)

And at the same time I want to curl up and cry.

Life sucks.

Can someone please turn my creative side to >write< and the rest off?

I need to get it out of my system.

Short and narrow

"Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins." Gary Lineker


4:1 against England... holy soccer ball, that was huge!