Mittwoch, 28. Juli 2010

The happy nerd!

It´s official!
There are normal people and there is me.

When I started this apprenticeship, my boss told me, I in no way had a chance to get an A.
After all, I had to cut the first of three years.

See this boss? Straight A! All around!

Best of class and best of departement.

Suck it up! I did it!


Now I need a good job and then I´m an overall happy content little Fluff.

Freitag, 23. Juli 2010

The Guardian

Did a new pic... Had the idea I could post it here as well. Ain´t I just so clever!

Mittwoch, 21. Juli 2010

The difference between fiction and reality - truth and the press

The difference between fiction and reality is: fiction has to make sense.

On the 12th of September 2009 Dominik Brunner died after being beaten for about one minute by two 17 and 18 year old youths on a city rail platform near Munich.

That´s a fact.

Beforehand, in the train, he had stopped the youth´s in their attempt to extort 15 € from a group of four other youths ages 15-16.

That´s a fact as well.

After his death, Dominik Brunner has been hailed as a hero for his moral courage and yes, for his death while defending four children, by the German press.

That is a fact also. He got the Bundesverdienstkreuz posthumus. There is a foundation in his name.
In the two boys, who killed him, where without any doubt, murderers.

On July 14th the court hearing started.  Accusation: Murder with base motives. They´re said to have killed the victim as revenge for his earlier defence of the group of youths.

Both boys, the elder of whom is officially not able to testify because of physical reasons and psychological trauma, admitted to beating Dominic Brunner, but denied emphatically to have wished for his death.

The younger of the two, who is not even 5'7 and weights around 100 pounds, testified that Brunner got out of the city rail car two doors down. Dropped his bag and jacket and then rushed towards them and hit his friend square in the face. They defended and his friend went into a blind rage.

Headlines in German Newspapers: Killers blame victim.

Two days later, the authopsie paper cleared up the cause of death: Dominik Brunner had a heart condition and due to his agitated state of mind, had a heart attack. He didn´t have any broken bones, or a broken skull, as it was originally stated by police.

Which goes conform with several witness accounts, that state, the victim stood after the attack and then fell again.

The prosecuter´s office keeps up the murder charges.

Headlines in German Newspapers: That changes nothing!

Somewhere in between a young French native witness (16), and her 13 year old brother, detail how she heard "I will kill you" from one of the defendants, but then is not even able to tell, what the word "blindlings" meant (in blind Rage), that appears in her police statement. The questioning was conducted without a translater. A police officer, who had French in school assisted. His French is said to be not very good.

Another witness, a minor as well and his friend, who had claimed to have seen it all and then performed CPR, were shown to have lied. Nobody performed CPR until the EMTs arrived.
Another Witness was discredited by his OWN MOTHER after he gave his statement to police as a pathological liar.

On July 20th, the driver of the city rail  train states, he clearly saw, while checking before starting the train again, how the group of four youths and Dominic Brunner left the train, and two doors farther back, the defendants left the train. The defendants headed for the exit. He didn´t see any sign of trouble, until Dominic Brunner dropped his bag, his jacket, walked up to the two youths, dancing in front of them with boxing moves, taunting them and then hit one of them square in the face. Blood flowed.
Then he yelled "And now we will get the police" which the driver took for a sign, the situation was cleared, since the attacker himself had stated to want to get the police.

He started the train, but notified the station master, to call the police.
A testimony, that is backed by one of the  originally threatened youths, two further witnesses and corresponds with the defendant´s statements.
(to those, not from Germany - German Railway and City Rail Routes are really as good as their reputation and run on a very tight schedule)

Except one German news magazine, that brought a rather interesting article about witnesses, and their unreliability, German Newspapers stayed silent.

The defendants are still murderers to the news magazines and the general public and Dominic Brunner still is a morally couragous hero.

What strikes me now as so wondrous, is the simple fact, what if Dominik Brunner had been a 17year old with a totally broken family, a drug problem, living in a city run youth home, and the two boys had been managers from a wealthy family?

Who is the attacker then?

Is Dominic Brunner still couragous? Yes.
But he also might still have attacked two boys, one of whom is a head smaller than him, without them threatening him in that situation.

Did the boys still kill him? Yes, most likely their actions killed him.
Though... if they didn´t start the fight, and Dominic Brunner did not die of those injuries he sustained, but of a heart condition he had.....
Who is responsible for the heart attack?

And why - and THAT is the question, the German press should be asking - where none of those facts given,  right after the attack, although the prosecuter´s office clearly knew about them two days after?
Why did the prosecuter´s office hand out a version to the public, where Dominic Brunner is a shining hero without any flaw, that was attacked from behing and two sides by blood thirsty monsters, both taller and stronger than him, who murdered him in cold blood.

One of the defendants, who confirmed to be a habitual drinker, said he had two beers and a few glasses of vodka before the attack. But all police say, is, he didn´t appear to be drunk.
Habitual drinker, guys.  Why hasn´t there been a blood test?

During the trial, one of the Police officers was asked, if he saw any injuries on the face of the defendant who was alledgedly beaten by Brunner. His answer? I don´t know, he looked down all the time.
Both young men have very short hair.

There are some serious questions, the German press should be asking right now. About premediated convictions made by the public, clearly spurned on by the prosecuters.
About their own role. Their missing critizism.
About justice.
About flawed heros.
About prejudices and truth.

Yes, Dominik Brunner still died on that platform, after aiding a group of four teenagers. And those two youths still beat him.

Yes, Dominik Brunner was a succesful manager and lawyer from a very wealthy family.
And those youths are still flawed failures of society.

But other than that?
Reality doesn´t have to make sense.

Truth is a very fascinating  construction.

Happy Birthday

Woke up this morning to coffee and cake.

Love my man!

Montag, 12. Juli 2010

Daily author depression

When you write a book, as with all things, you create, you want people to like it.

Authors, due to some evil little thing called reviews, seem to be especially prone to something, I call spontaneous authors depression.

It just happened to me.

I know, Diamond Wolf is an either love it or hate it book.

I know that. I wrote it.

The way I see it, it´s pretty lyrical. A poem drawn out over 20+ pages.

A walk through a werewolfs inner nightmare. A little Goethe like... I Hate Goethe!!

Thank god, that thought came to me only after it was published.

But I still think, it´s a good book. It has it´s weaknesses. Being too short one of them. Contests with a 12k word count barrier suck.

I haven´t even had that OMG what was I thinking moment yet.

And then there are people who just write: couldn´t finish the book.

It´s only 20 pages.

How... HOW can it be so terrible, people can´t finish it?
What the heck did I do wrong, that people will do that?

Ugh! That hurt. That really hurt.

I´m going to curl up with a good cup of Latte Macchiato with caramel flavor now and cry over the injustice of the world. No in fact I´m going to do the laundry.

Console my shredded little heart with the mutilation of helpless socks.

Samstag, 10. Juli 2010

HALLELUJAH! I´m going to get cut open!

Praise the lord, I finally blackmailed, cried, begged and whimpered a surgeon into the ardeous, his skill absolutely unworthy task of cutting open the base joint of my right big toe and to remove the bursitis.

Only took 7 years. ("It´s not that big, it´s only the position that hurts so much" Thanks alot, idiots)

So, on Wednesday morning, I´ll get up, be a happy, giddy girl and hope uh... I´ll sleep through surgery.
Not like last time in January.

Did I mention? When they removed the nails and wires from my previously broken ellbow (double olecranon fracture July 17th last year)... I woke up. In the middle of surgery....

In hind sight funny as hell. I scared some surgeons to death. Hehe

Wasn´t that funny, when it happened.
Tthough, thanks to my really fucked up relation to pain, I just did, what there is to do, when you have a big cut and hole in your arm. Screamed.

Let it come. Open your arms. Say hello and scream.
Nothing like it.

Oh yeah, it hurt like hell, but there is nothing as powerful as true pain. At least, when you know, it´s going to end at some point.

When you don´t, it´s just grating on your nerves and you´re willing to do everything to stop it. Everything

At some point, death will always become and option.

Anyways. This pain will end on Wednesday.
The anesthesiologist, had this twitch of panic in his eyes, when he checked my file. Same hospital as in January.
 He paled. Then he had this very careful smile. Which turned even more careful, when I smiled back.

This kind of smile, you use with dangerous animals, kids and madmen.

I think I will sleep through this time. You´ll be the first to know on the net ;)

PS: Am I the only one who thinks, my keyboard battery is about to die. Somehow I´m missing one third of letters ^^

Dienstag, 6. Juli 2010

The Good, the bad and the nerves

Oh yes, nerves...

I haz them!

Tomorrow morning at 8:45 I´ll be starting the last 45 minutes of my apprenticeship.

Oral exam.

DO you know this mix of jitterish, but it still doesn´t feel real?
Yeah? I hate it!

Tried to distract myself, by checking through some old writings.
I have a full book sitting on my external and two 30k pieces.
Chose the sequel to Diamond Wolf. OMG!
How can possibly be that bad a writer?

I mean c´mon... ugh. Complete rework please, and fast.
How the heck did I manage to write two pansy, fancy girlies?

So much for that.

On a good note, my lawyer just wrote an email to tell me, I´ll be getting some more money from the insurance of that poor driver who´s car door plucked me of my bike last year. HEHE.

Since it´s BMW company car insurance, no pity.

I had no idea, how much money a multiple fractured olecranon can bring.
But it´s highly welcome.
Had to go to the hair dresser on Saturday to look all pretty and shiny for the exam.
100 €!

Holy COW!
OK, I look totally great. They even managed to correct some bad errors the last hair dresser did, but... meep?

Thought about manicure... let it drop. Another 40 € just aren´t in the budget.

I should go on, learning my presentation by heart.
But I want to write. Can someone please clone me?

Samstag, 3. Juli 2010


Have a tumblr place now.

Careful, not really worksafe.

Freitag, 2. Juli 2010

Good morning - The poem

 My alarm clock is laughing at me
It´s 7:30 am.
You just missed the start 
of your classes."
"Don´t matter", I say,
"Isn´t the first time",
turn around
and go on sleeping.

Back in school, I had a huge problem to be punctual.
So huge, in fact, that my math teacher once asked me, what the heck I´m was in class already, when the alarm hadn´t sounded yet.

Everybody knew it and at some point, nobody cared anymore. They just sighed and ignored me, as I crept in one or two minutes late.

In 11th grade, we had a project week and I was part of the poetry project.
Which included the composition of a poem and a reading in front of the whole school. (oh, and a little book of our collected works. My first time being published ;))
I´ve never seen my teachers laugh louder or longer, than that day, when I recited this poem to them.